Thursday, November 3, 2011

Canines and Cops

Crazy days don't happen for me. I have crazy weeks, because a mere 24 hours isn't enough to cram in all that can happen to one woman. Bad days are for weenies and for the record, it can always get worse.

My dog chews. We've almost broken her of digging. She feebly scrapes her claws across the dirt, but knows it will do her no good. Chewing is another matter. She likes to gut things when she is nervous. I take Sunday's off from running with her to which she takes great offense to and unleashes the insanity on my outdoor furniture. This week while I was at church she chewed up my garden hose in exact one foot long pieces, tore apart her dog house, decimated the welcome mat and ripped the stuffing free from her bed. The dog has got serious issues with God.

I bought some no chew spray called Bitter Apple. It's supposed to repel the chew urge, but it's a bunch of bunk. My dog loves the stuff. First she will lick it off, then she will chew whatever I sprayed it on. I tolerate her taking apart her bed and my patio furniture (it's all cheap plastic anyway), but when she started chewing on my wood door jam I had to step it up a notch.

I whipped up a batch of cayenne pepper and shortening and slathered it on the door jam. For two days (holding my breath) she stopped chewing. This morning, I wasn't so lucky. Britt is a dog with a strict schedule and she needs her rawhide chew strip before 9am or she goes nutso (as in destructive chewing on my house). I was late in dropping off my boys to school, so when I got home, she was going ballistic on the door jam. At first she was deterred from licking off the cayenne pepper and in her frustration, shoved her face into it. Not so bright. She ended up with her eyelids so swollen, she couldn't close them over her bulging eyeballs and I ended up with a $130 vet bill.

I love that dog, but she is trying my level of tolerance.

On the way to drop her off at the vet, I got pulled over... again. I may or may not have driven across four lanes of traffic and cut off a policeman. The line on how legal it was is hazy, but I did use my turn signal and I wasn't speeding. When he came to my window he took one look at me and said, "Hey, didn't I pull you over last month?"

Why, yes you did. And yes, that time you pulled me over for something just as equally stupid too. Driver's license and insurance? Do you really need it? You should have it memorized by now.

While he stood there and checked my legal junk he asked, "So, do you know why I pulled you over this time?"

I do not know what got into me. I claim innocence because I looked him square in the eye and said, "Well, I saw you there and thought, dang, there's that one cop who always pulls me over. I should cut him off."

He stared at me and I wondered if he was going to laugh or slap handcuffs on me. "Seriously?" he said.

What the hell. I shrugged and replied, "What can I say? I missed you."

Thankfully he started laughing. I got back my license and insurance card and again, no ticket. If you all think this is odd that I get pulled over so often, I have to say that I am right there with you. Check out my mom-mobile:

I mean really, the car is ding kissed all over the place and I have a badge of honor on the bumper where I backed into my brother-in-law's beater. Would you pull me over? I wouldn't!


  1. Ha! We had no luck with bitter apple either. Our dog chewed through the electric chord to the TV and nearly electrocuted himself. We couldn't leave anything plugged in for months. But he's older and wiser now, thankfully.

    Glad you're back online, Alyson!

  2. Nandini! So good to hear from you! I've been thinking about you and your wonderful book. I am still hoping that you will find a publisher and I can add it to my shelf!

    Thanks for coming by!

  3. Thanks, Alyson. Am hard at work on the next thing meanwhile. I love your art BTW Hope your writing is going well!