I think I have a problem. It’s kind of a big deal…
I am a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I think my hubby just snort laughed while reading this. Honestly speaking, I am very OCD. To the point that I demand perfection of myself. It a dirty rotten habit and I don’t like it. Sometimes I end up hurting myself in the pursuit of perfection and I can say, quite frankly, that this is not a good thing.
There are all different levels of perfection seekers. Let just say that I take the pursuit of perfection a little too far. I am not hell-bent on winning. I am bound and determined on being perfect. There is a big difference. I am that girl who spends a year training Martial Arts on a busted ankle. I study relentlessly, I stay longer, work harder and clock in countless after hours. I expect and welcome harsh criticism and frankly get a little upset with excessive praise. I don’t like compliments. Like, ever. I want to be told what I did wrong so I can fix it.
Have a mentioned this is a problem?
But perfection is impossible. I should know. I tried and I epically failed. The video I am showing is of an absolutely perfect performance. It’s me in that video. I won first place for that performance, but I can tell you that I can pick out three places where I didn’t hit my mark exactly the way I wanted. It mentally shattered me. Stupid? I know it is, but I’m OCD perfectionist, remember?
That gold put me in the running for division champ. I am NOT going to post that video of that destroyed performance. First of all, I haven’t watched it because the mere memory of it is mortifying enough. I don’t need to confirm it by watching it. I did not get angry at the girl who won. Her performance was flawless and her grace and beauty left us all in the dust (Megan, you are amazing and I love you to pieces!). But I was very angry with myself. Why, if I could do it perfect once, could I not do it perfect a second time?
Why? Because the curse of the OCD perfectionist is that I will never be good enough. Even though I won gold.
So, I will dust myself off. I will shine my sword and begin again. I do it because I love it. I do it because I owe it to myself to keep going. I do it because my inner perfectionist tells me to get off my bottom and into the gym. And I do it because giving up is not an option.
And I will live to perform again.