Friday, February 10, 2012

Lab Rat Stupidity

Since my dog's very expensive butt surgery, Britt has upgraded to a new level of diva. I had to leave her indoors more frequently than I normally would for her stitches to heal. Now she thinks she SHOULD be indoors, day and night, and has gone to desperate measure to let me know it. She has barked all night long for three nights in a row and after screaming myself hoarse, I decided I'd had enough.

It's time to bring out the big guns.

A couple months back my mother in law was kind enough to let me borrow her shock collar for dogs. Now, before you all go "animal cruelty" crazy on me, I haven't used it and frankly, after reading the utterly pointless instructions, I don't know if I know how to use it. It's all about button A in coordination with dial 3 when the actual device has no button A. It has a black button, red button and a blue button and a dial with T, A, and a bunch of numbers. It doesn't make a lick of sense.

So, I decided to try an experiment. I couldn't use the dog, because that just plain mean testing out what goes with what when she hasn't done anything wrong. I didn't have a lab rat, so I did the smart thing (aka totally idiotic), rolled up my jammy pant leg and laid it across my thigh. See what lack of sleep does to me?

Anyway, I started out at 1 and pressed the black button. Nothing. Same with 2 through 5. On the 6th setting and black button I heard a faint beeping. Black button is for dog ears only. Got it.

Next, I dialed down to 1 again and went for the blue button. Setting one did very little with the blue button. I had to dial it up to 3 before the metal prongs began to vibrate. Ooh! Doggie neck massage. Right on. Setting 6 on massage blue button irritated my skin so I figured it was time leave it and try out the red button.

Did I remember to dial down to one before pressing red? No I didn't. HOLY BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! If this were TV, my mouth would have been pixelated out and the bleeping would have gone on well into commercial break. Note to self: never use the highest setting with the red button. IT HURTS!!!!

The shock collar went back into the drawer and I stuffed mushy shotgun earplugs in my ears for another night of barking.

I should probably get my leg checked out. The involuntary muscle spasms are really annoying.

***Today's post is dedicated to Ami Hendrickson. It was from her twisted mind that I got the idea to use myself as the lab rat. Thank you, from my dog.


  1. Ba-hahahaha! I am reading this going "Eee-hee-hee-hee-hee" like a psychotic burro. Too dang funny. I am honored at the dedication. :)

    1. I knew you would be. Meanwhile... I'm still limping.

  2. Can't. Type. Can't. Stop. Laughing...

    1. My stupidity is a good workout for your abs. :0)