Thursday, January 1, 2015

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

I think it is safe to say that every kid lies.  It is a fact of life.  A kid at any given point between two and twenty is going to lie to their parent.  Unless that kid has on of those mommies who thinks their kid is perfect and can do no wrong.  That is a level of naivety I won't dispute with.  For everyone else who knows what I am talking about... read on.

First of all, I don't expect my kid to bare his soul when he's looking down the gauntlet into my freakish "mom is on the verge of mad" eyes.  It is intimidating and I get it.  It is a primal self-preserving instinct that is passed on through the genetics.

Did I ever tell my mom that I stole all the cookies she hid in the freezer for special treats?  No, I did not.  Did I tell my mom that my sister and I drove her minivan over the church lawns and scraped up the undercarriage on the parking lot curb?  Heck no, I did not!  And I definitely did NOT tell her about how I secretly met my boyfriend after his night shift ended to make out on the front porch.  Come to think of it, I still haven't told her about that one.  Regardless, kids naturally wish to have their parents happy with them and so it is also natural that they would lie to avoid making said parents upset.

For me, however, what fuels the Mom-Glare of Doom, is in actuality mere curiosity.  Frankly, I would love to get into my son's heads to know the thought process behind what thing they had just done.  I'd love to know WHY there is a frisbee on the roof, along with a football, a ten foot length of rope, assorted hammer, measuring tape, and pliers and a LEGO magazine.  Really... I am bleeding with curiosity.  Especially since they were getting out a ladder and trying to scale the drainage pipe with ninja kamas and nunchaku.

At other times, I am wondering what crazed animal hijacked their brain.  For example, this conversation has been conversed at length over the dinner table more times than I can count:


KID: I didn't do that.

Other KID: I didn't do it either.

ME:  So, who was it?  The dog?  Why would you INSERT INCREDIBLY STUPID ACTION HERE? What were you thinking?  Don't you know you could have been killed?

Both KIDS: Uh....

ME:  So... Who thought it up?

KID:  The...uh...the dog?

Do I look stupid?  I must have a blaring sign, because there is no way that the dog with her lack of opposable thumbs could have covered the bathroom mirror with hairspray.  Nor could she have managed to flood the bathroom with sewage from the toilet they decided to only half flush.  Frankly, I am amazed that they can blame the sudden disappearance of candy off the top shelf on a dog that is too fat to jump up on a short human such as myself.  My dog has amazing super powers.

I should have been a brain surgeon.  If anyone can get me a contraption that I can hook to their little heads so I can see the process starting from Point A to Disaster, I would appreciate it.  Heck, I'd pay a hefty sum for it.

Now, I've got to go figure out why Kid #1 is throwing chopsticks at the head of Kid #2.  I'd bet you ten bucks the dog did it.

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