Monday, August 27, 2012

Resonable Insanity

There are few things in this world that make me crazy.  Check off any number of these things and the wrath of Alyson comes tumbling out.  A-wrath is not good.  It's plumb embarrassing.

My water heater busted.  CHECK!  

If I recall, I just changed out the old water heater in my other house right before I sold it.  There is something unholy about a water heater in a house you just bought breaking down.  Makes me see red.  I could bust a move better than the Hulk.

It gets better though.

I forgot what day the plumber was coming.  It must have slipped my mind when I was cursing his name as I sat on hold with his secretary.  I was trying hard to not swear out loud, so cut me some slack.  Regardless, I was out with the doggie on a walk.  I covet my morning walks.  They are a sacred part of my day that is more addictive than chocolate heroine.  

So, I was out on said walk, pulling Miss Doggie out of the bushes and away from a squirrel, when I saw the plumber's van zoom by.

Envision a my surprise.  Utter shock.  I was a good half mile from home at the bottom of the HILL OF DOOM.  I have a lot of H.O.D's around my house.  It's what happens when you purchase a home perched on the side of a freaking mountain (not a hill folks, MOUNTAIN).  Not only that, but I live in ultra conservative Mormon Land Utah.  I am not proud of what happened next.

I swore.  A little.  Okay, a lot, and really loud.  I yanked doggie out of the bushes and made a run for it.  Ever have those dreams where you are running from the bad guys trying to kill you and you are running like mad but not moving at all?  That was me booking it up the H.O.D.  I could feel sections of me jiggle I had never felt jiggle before.  But I ran on.  By the time I huffed up the H.O.D, cussing and swearing between puffs and turned the corner to my house, I saw the plumber get into his van and prepare to take off.

I am not proud of what happened next.

I booked it to my house, yelling (not even a polite shout) and bellowing for him to stop.  He didn't see me so I picked up the pace, made a leap for it and tackled his rear bumper.  I am SURE the resounding thud of my generous mass crashing into his vehicle was enough to freak him out, but I couldn't just scare the poor man.  He gets out to check things out while I am on the ground wheezing like a winded hippo.  Miss Doggie got all excited and started circling the leash around my body to the point that I was trussed up like a freaking chicken, barking and panting like she has rabies.  The plumber was stumped as to what to do about the whole situation.  He looked caught between laughing and feeling sorry for me.  He untangled me and asked if I was okay.  
Stupid me, I just blubbered... "Don't leave.  *pant pant* I need you to look at my  *pant pant*.... Thingy."  
I TOTALLY FORGOT WHY HE WAS THERE!!!  For the life of me, I could not think of, and formulate the words "water heater".   He gave me the "hoookay.  She's nuts" look and started laughing.  He says... "I don't look at "thingys" lady, I'm just hear to see about a leaking water heater."  To which I responded... "Yeah... *pant pant*  that would be my thingy."

Shoot me. 

The poor man.  I'm sure he thought I was stoned or crazy or something.  How do I know this?  His secretary called to say that his assistant technician would be out on Friday to install the new heater.  She sounded a little miffed on the phone and grumbled that she couldn't for the life of her figure out WHY he wouldn't do it himself.  I almost blurted... "Because I friggin tackled his danged van and then solicited the poor man because my brain wouldn't work!"
Heaven help me.   The crazies are bad for my health.


  1. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is why I love you!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Right back at you babe! Your last post on disciplining Lilly what hilarious! MUAH! XOXOXO