Thursday, July 5, 2012

It wasn't supposed to be like this...

Dear Dad,

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You wanted to go quickly.  Painless and in your sleep.  Anything but this.  I know you wanted to be like your brother.  Walk into an ER, sit down and have a fatal heart attack.  He wasn't much trouble, independent to the very end.  I know you would have wanted that.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

With your sense of humor, I know you would have rather gone like your Uncle.  Find a door step to rest on and drift off to heaven.  It wouldn't matter that he stopped under the stoop of a complete stranger's home because that would have been the fun of it.  You used to laugh about that.  I did too.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Pain, aches, the slow degrading degeneration of independence and mobility.  The nausea, surgeries, and slow non-lethal internal decay.  Cancer that takes away your dignity and pride.  You didn't want us to watch you slowly fade.  It was hard to hear you cry.  Your pain was so intense, it hurt me to watch you.  That I couldn't help you.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I held your hand.  I'm sure you didn't know it or be able to feel it in your coma.  I knew you could hear me.  I made a lame joke and you waggled your bushy grey eyebrows at me like you used to when you were feeling silly.  I felt guilty that I could breathe so easily while you struggled so hard.  Your face sagged and your hands were cold, but I couldn't keep my eyes off you.  I so wanted you to leap up and shout "Ah HA!" like you used to when you had a brilliant idea.  But you never did.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You never wanted an audience in your last moments, but I hope you forgive me that I was there.  Someone needed to see mom cling to your hand and rest her cheek on your arm.  So tender.  So sweet.  43 years of true love emanated from her arthritic hand that caressed the top of your head.

I'm too young to have you gone.  32 years was not long enough.  You taught me so much and even in your final hours when you only mumbled gibberish, you never shamed yourself.  You were moral to the very end.  A good man.  A christian man.  A man who loved God.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, but it was. 

I love you.  Goodbye.




8 comments:

  1. Oh, Alyson. I know exactly what you're going through and it's not fair, especially when they leave us too soon. As time passes try to find strength in the good memories, the people you still have with you everyday, and know your dad is with you in spirit.

    These are trite thoughts when you are in such pain, but there's truth in them. God bless.

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    1. Every day gets a little better. Thank you for the encouragement. I know you just went through this with your own dad and it's hard.

      <3 you!

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  2. So sorry for your loss. He sounds like an amazing man.

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    1. He was a truly interesting and unique fellow. :0) Thank you.

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  3. It's never supposed to be like that. No...never the way we wish, unfortunately. Glad you were with him and for the time you did share. This was a beautiful tribute. Take care and God bless. Xo

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    1. Thank you Michele. Your kind messages mean the world to me. We may be many miles apart, but I still feel your love and kindness.

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  4. Alyson, I extend my deepest condolences for your loss. I've gone through a loss of my own this past year and it never is easy dealing with it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Stay strong, it does get better.

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  5. My condolences to you for your loss Alyson.
    I never know quite what to say in times like these.
    All I know is that things will get better in time.

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