Saturday, October 8, 2011

Dog training for humans

I have a rescue dog. Her name is Britton and she is a very sweet pup. We love on her and care for her and give her treats. Sometimes she is not the brightest bulb.

I want a good dog just as much as anyone. I enrolled Britt in obedience school and today was our first class. I have to admit, I cheat... a lot. I don't go get pedicures with grubby feet and I lie through my teeth and say that my feet are naturally polished and trimmed, just so the manicurist will rave about my fantastic foot skin. I am no different with my dog. I taught her how to sit and stay starting two weeks before class thinking I was going to get major kudos on my amazingly well behaved dog. I'd laugh at the irony, but I'd have to stop crying first.

To begin, Britt had to sniff everyone. Her nose waffed delicately the butts of all the four legged friends and shoved wantonly into the crotches of the two legged friends with reckless abandon. I had to dig in my heels and drag her away from a poor old lady she had cornered, gasping my apologies. Next, she didn't want to sit with me and she was NOT done sniffing.

Class started. Trainer lady said her shpeel about this that and the other and the benefits of a well trained dog. Britt wanted to taste her pants. Trainer lady handed us clickers. Britt wanted to chew on the Neighbor Puppy's ear. Trainer lady started getting out treats. Britt started rolling on the mat and chewing on the leash.

Click. Britt freaks out. What's that sound!?! Click. Click. Click. All the other puppies are getting treats and paying attention to their owners when they click. Britt is fighting to get away and scrambling against the leash that is yanking my arm out of the socket. Click. Click. Click. Now she's squirming, barking and attacking the leash. I chuck the clicker hoping she'll calm down, but all the clicks are driving her nuts. Trainer lady tells everyone to stop, but Britt is in hysterics. She wont come, she wont sit and I have now become the most hated person in her existence.

Then Trainer lady tells us to go out of the dog ring, into the store and use the clickers and treats to make our dogs sit. Seriously?! You want me to try this in the open??? In isle 3 is a dog dragging a distraught woman, her purse contents scattered, treats everywhere, and her son laughing his head off. Who is it? Oh yeah, it's me and at this point I am sure that the guys at the security cameras are having a riot of a time watching me grappling after a totally insane dog gone completely off her rocker.

It was like this for a solid hour. By the time I loaded everyone in the car, my hair was a rats nest, Britt was beyond reason (even treats couldn't shake her out of it) and my son is patting my back saying "that was really... I mean REALLY, bad". Yeah, I know.

The second we walk in the door, Britt sits on cue for me to unclip the leash. She trots to the door and again, sits on cue to be let out into her yard. Like nothing ever happened, she comes when I call her and sits when I ask her so I can scratch her ears. I want to scream "WHY??? You stupid dog! WHY???"

Oh, the innocence. Just look at those eyes. Evil bleeptiy bleep dog.

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