I think I have a problem.
It’s kind of a big deal…
I am a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I think my hubby just snort laughed while
reading this. Honestly speaking, I am
very OCD. To the point that I demand
perfection of myself. It a dirty rotten
habit and I don’t like it. Sometimes I
end up hurting myself in the pursuit of perfection and I can say, quite
frankly, that this is not a good thing.
There are all different levels of perfection seekers. Let
just say that I take the pursuit of perfection a little too far. I am not hell-bent on winning. I am bound and determined on being perfect. There is a big difference. I am that girl who spends a year training
Martial Arts on a busted ankle. I study
relentlessly, I stay longer, work harder and clock in countless after
hours. I expect and welcome harsh
criticism and frankly get a little upset with excessive praise. I don’t like compliments. Like, ever.
I want to be told what I did wrong so I can fix it.
Have a mentioned this is a problem?
But perfection is impossible. I should know. I tried and I epically failed. The video I am showing is of an absolutely
perfect performance. It’s me in that
video. I won first place for that
performance, but I can tell you that I can pick out three places where I didn’t
hit my mark exactly the way I wanted. It
mentally shattered me. Stupid? I know it is, but I’m OCD perfectionist, remember?
That gold put me in the running for division champ. I am NOT going to post that video of that
destroyed performance. First of all, I
haven’t watched it because the mere memory of it is mortifying enough. I don’t need to confirm it by watching
it. I did not get angry at the girl who
won. Her performance was flawless and
her grace and beauty left us all in the dust (Megan, you are amazing and I love
you to pieces!). But I was very angry
with myself. Why, if I could do it
perfect once, could I not do it perfect a second time?
Why? Because the
curse of the OCD perfectionist is that I will never be good enough. Even though I won gold.
So, I will dust myself off.
I will shine my sword and begin again.
I do it because I love it. I do
it because I owe it to myself to keep going.
I do it because my inner perfectionist tells me to get off my bottom and
into the gym. And I do it because giving
up is not an option.
And I will live to perform again.
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